I Had A Complete Breakdown At
The Track
1st September 2021
bbc.co.uk/ouch/podcast
Presented by Beth Rose
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BBC Sounds: music, radio, podcasts.
LIBBY-
I absolutely had a proper breakdown at the track
one day. And I spoke to the sports psychologist and we went and had a chat
with the doctor and they referred me to see a clinical psychiatrist.
SAMANTHA-
I going down and seeing a girl going
round the track in a racing chair and just being like, wow. And she was going
faster than the runners going round the track and I just being like,
I’m going to be better than I was before, I’m going to be faster than I was
before.
BETH-
We don’t hear huge amounts about the mental health
of our Paralympians, but visually impaired sprinter Libby Clegg MBE puts that
to rights in this episode of BBC Ouch. I’m Beth Rose and I’m here to
introduce you to Michael McEwan. He’s a disabled sports fan who spoke to two
of the UK’s top female Paralympians for BBC Radio Scotland. Thanks for Phil
Simon and the team up there for letting us share these interviews with you on
BBC Ouch. You’ll hear Michael chat with double Paralympic gold medal winner
Libby Clegg shortly, but first up it’s wheelchair racer Sam Kinghorn. And
Michael started by asking Sam about how she became disabled.
SAMANTHA-
Yes, I wasn’t born with a disability; I was born
completely able-bodied. I was brought up on a farm and unfortunately when I
was 14 years old I had an accident on that farm which left me paralysed from
the waist down which obviously, I was 14 years old, changed my whole life. I
literally just had to learn how to do everything all over again. That’s how I
will explain having a spinal injury to anyone is: it’s like being born again
but you have all those added frustrations that you’ve already learnt it and
you just have to learn it again in a very different way.
MICHAEL-
So, you’re one of Scotland’s leading wheelchair
racers. Can you tell us why you wanted to get into racing?
SAMANTHA-
I first tried wheelchair racing I was still in the
spinal unit, and my physio had selected me to go down to the spinal unit
games, which was in the Stoke Mandeville, which is obviously where the start
of the Paralympic movement happened. And all the spinal units in Scotland,
England, Wales and Ireland and they all come together and you compete against
other hospitals. And the way that you win is that you get a little sheet and
you get boxes ticked for how many sports you try, and the way you win is you
do as many sports as possible. So, I tried everything. I was absolutely blown
away with the amount of sports that could be adapted that I just hadn’t
realised or hadn’t even thought about. And I tried wheelchair racing on the
last morning and I going down and seeing a girl going the track in a
racing chair and just being like, wow. And she was going faster than the
runners going round the track and I just being like, I’m going to be
better than I was before, I’m going to be faster than I was before. I wasn’t
thinking about going to the Paralympic Games; I was just literally thinking
my friends at school would think this was cool. And that’s it, that’s
literally what really brought it to me first was just the thought of being
cool again and not being perceived as that girl with the disability.
MICHAEL-
I didn’t realise that you went to Red Star running
club, I went to Red Star as well, but how did that help your confidence
knowing that you were only maybe one step away from competing at the
Paralympics?
SAMANTHA-
Without the Red Star club in Glasgow I would not
be where I am today. I definitely have the coaches and everyone there to thank
for that because it was just a place where they did not care whether you
wanted to be a Paralympian or just wanted to have fun; that was fine. They
just wanted disabled people to have a safe space to go to where they could be
themselves. And it was just so nice being able to find myself to push round
the track but not to be judged, not to be stared at, because there’s such a
range of disabilities and nobody cares because they’ve got a disability too.
That was a completely new world for me because I hadn’t met anyone with a
disability. So, even for me I was learning every week about a different
disability and how to approach different people with disabilities.
MICHAEL-
Now, over the years you’ve won loads of medals,
Samantha, including double gold in London 2017. But unfortunately you missed
out on a medal in Rio. How did the whole Paralympian experience make you
stronger as an athlete?
SAMANTHA-
In Rio I was very much an amateur. I I
came fifth in my 100 when I probably could have come fourth. I got
disqualified in my 400. And then in my 800 it was my last race, I was ranked
ninth or something in the world, only eight make the final and I was just
like, I don’t want to leave this Paralympic Games feeling the way I feel
right now and feel like I haven’t done myself justice because I know what I
can do and achieve. I was ready for Rio physically to do well and to get to
the finals and make the finals, but I wasn’t ready mentally at all. I was
really ill before a race and I was terrified going on that track. And that
was the moment when I realised that you’ve got to be mentally strong as well
as physically strong. You need to know that you deserve to be there and
believe that you can be better, get better and all these other girls on the
start line you deserve to be along them.
MICHAEL-
You’ve gone through an adjustment in your life
because of your accident, but has that made you more determined as an
athlete?
SAMANTHA-
Yeah it does. I think obviously being involved in
a traumatic event when you’re 14 years old definitely makes you a little bit
tougher. The little things don’t stress you quite as much because that day
definitely could have gone in a complete different direction and I might have
not been here. I don’t sweat the small stuff because I’m just lucky that I’m
still here living and living an incredible life. So, it’s definitely made me
more stubborn and more willing to give anything a shot as well as a person,
just thinking well, I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow morning so I
may as well put two feet in and jump in and give it a shot if it’s something
I enjoy doing.
BETH-
That was Sam Kinghorn who certainly sounded ready
for Tokyo 2020. Now as promised here’s Michael’s chat with legendary visually
impaired sprinter Libby Clegg. Michael started by asking her about the
mechanics of running with a guide.
LIBBY-
Basically the easiest way to describe it is like
doing a three-legged race but attached at the wrist rather than at the foot.
So, everything has to be completely in time with one another. When we talk
about communication it’s not really me communicating with Chris, I don’t
really say anything to him because I’m normally absolutely blowing, so I
don’t really speak very much. But Chris talks to me throughout my race,
telling me different points that we are on the track so I know whether to
change my technique a little bit, whether to come more upright or use my arms
more. There are certain things that I do at certain bits of the race that
obviously bring my performance together.
And then obviously trust is really, really key as
well because I’m running completely blindfolded, eye patches on and
everything, and I have to really trust that person that I’m running with
because it’s quite scary coming out of the blocks full speed, 100%, and
you’ve got no depth perception there. It can be a bit scary so trust is
really, really key to the partnership working.
MICHAEL-
You attended the Royal Blind School in Edinburgh
and then you went on to athletics. Tell us a bit about why you fell in love
with that particular sport and why you wanted to get involved.
LIBBY-
When I was in primary school I always loved sports
day and I was always a little bit competitive, even though I was quite shy,
and it was sort of where I exceled really. I just went to a local athletics
club and just got more and more involved over the years. I also danced at the
time, but athletics just took over. I just liked the versatility, so you
could do literally anything from throws, jumps, sprints, distance. I just
liked the variety. And then obviously as I got older I started to decide more
what discipline I wanted to do, and that’s how I eventually ended up being a
sprinter.
MICHAEL-
Your talent for running didn’t go unnoticed,
Libby, because at the age of 16 you were selected to compete at the World Championships
where you won silver. What was it like to compete at such a big competition
at such a young age?
LIBBY-
Well, I was absolutely ecstatic that I got
selected to go because I was a junior athlete really competing at a senior
level. And I was kind of taken on as a bit of a wild card, so I was really,
really over the moon to be going and competing at my first major
championships. For me I’d never been to anything like that before; it was
really new and different. But basically I ended up obviously winning a silver
medal in the 200m. I knew that I was going to run really well because I just
kept breaking my personal best times every round that I ran; I just kept
running quicker and quicker and quicker. It was an absolute dream come true.
I completely surprised myself, but it showed me that I was able to rise to
the occasion and I enjoyed competing under pressure.
MICHAEL-
We all know competitions are about winning, but
how do you cope when you lose a race?
LIBBY-
For me when I lose a race there are things I can
learn from that, so I take it as a learning experience. And it gives me an
opportunity to analyse what I’ve done wrong, what I could have done better,
where I need to improve on things. So, for me losing isn’t necessarily the
worst thing in the world because it just shows you that you still need to
progress and move forward and there are still things you can do better. So,
even though it’s not great sometimes when you lose it’s good for you to just
take some of those mistakes that you’ve made or things you need to tweak and
go away and work on them.
MICHAEL-
As a para athlete is winning gold the only thing
on your mind?
LIBBY-
My Paralympic dream was to win two gold medals and
I did that in Rio in 2016 and it didn’t make me happy. Everybody prepares you
for failure but nobody ever really prepares you for success and what that
feels like. I thought me winning Paralympic gold medals was going to be the
be all and end all; I thought it was going to be amazing, this is a dream
come true, it’s going to feel incredible, I’m going to feel great forever.
And it literally lasted about a week and then I realised that I didn’t know
who I was anymore as a person off the track. I felt very numb. And I hit a
really, really low point in my life, and I just couldn’t explain to anybody
what was going on because everybody was saying to me, oh Libby you’re a
Paralympic gold medal, you should be happy that you’ve done that. And all I
felt was complete despair and numbness. So, it was a really strange time for
me and nobody really understood what I was going through and that made it
harder to work out really what was going on. It just didn’t feel the way that
I thought it was going to. And I realised that I had nothing else going on in
my life to be honest. And that’s why it’s so, so important for athletes to
have outside interests so when things do go wrong, if you get injured or
whatever, you’ve got something else to focus on; but also when you’re having
a bit of downtime you’ve got something else to do that does occupy you in a
different way from training and taking you out of that regime.
MICHAEL-
So, how did you get back on track, as it were?
LIBBY-
I finally came to with the fact that I had
mental health issues. I had a proper breakdown at the track one day. And I
spoke to the sports psychologist and we went and had a chat with a doctor and
they referred me to see a clinical psychiatrist. It was literally what saved
me to be honest. I started having sessions with him. I thought my issues were
around the track and I didn’t enjoy training anymore, but I realised quite
quickly that it was actually because I had nothing else going on in my life and
I just solely focused on athletics and I did nothing else with my time. It
became quite apparent that actually I needed to do other stuff in my life and
I needed to do more things that made me happy, and not just about training
and what affected my training all the time. You need to have a very healthy
balance in your life; it’s not good to have everything one sided.
MICHAEL-
And that is your fourth Paralympic so we maybe see
you as a veteran in the sport. I take it that you still get quite excited
about competing at the games?
LIBBY-
Definitely. I would definitely say I’m a veteran
now; I’ve been around quite a while! But for me competing at a Paralympic
Games is unlike any other competition that I’ve ever competed at before. It’s
very different from the European or World Championships or a Commonwealth
even. It’s just something extra special about it and it is literally the pinnacle
of your career, and everything counts on that one event. It’s a really
special occasion. But it’s the energy from the crowd. I get a real buzz off
the pressure and the atmosphere. For me I’m sort of chasing a bit of a high.
It’s every four years so there is something different and very special and
unique about it.
MICHAEL-
So, now talk to us, obviously COVID as things are
a bit different in of fans being allowed in, not many fans being
allowed into this gig, is that something that’s going to worry you?
LIBBY-
The way I’m looking at it is that every Paralympic
Games is different, so Beijing was different from London, London was
different from Rio, and they’re all different from one another. So, I’m just
going to take it that this one is just going to be different from the others,
just like all the other ones have been. And also I’m at a different stage at
my career as well; different games mean different things to you. I’m kind of
going in with a real open mind, not really knowing what to expect. I’m also
aware that things could change kind of last minute with the current climate.
I’m just trying to be as open minded as possible, which is quite difficult
for athletes because athletes can be quite rigid because they like to control
things. So, I’m just trying to be as chilled out as possible about the whole
situation because who knows what’s around the corner.
MICHAEL-
You’ve dedicated your life to sport, but what do
you think sport gives you back?
LIBBY-
I think for me I’ve obviously learnt so many
different skillsets from being obviously an elite athlete and it’s taught me
lots and lots of things, and it’s already given back to me in so many ways.
I’ve learnt obviously ability and ownership and how important that is
to take responsibility for yourself. And I think that’s part of why I’ve been
as successful as I have because I’ve learnt those lessons along the way. But
it’s also taught me how to overcome barriers and face new challenges and put
me in really uncomfortable situations at times. It’s really helped me to
develop and grow as a person. So, for me my sport has given me back
everything I could have really asked for and more.
[Music]
BETH-
That was Libby Clegg MBE there chatting to Michael
McEwan for BBC Scotland. There are hundreds more disability conversations on
the BBC Ouch podcast feed, so please do subscribe to us on BBC Sounds or
wherever you get your podcasts from. Speak to you soon.
